Who are you when you run? What does your inner voice tell you when you slip into your running shoes? Your perspective could change everything; your technique, your energy, your stamina, and your experience. When you take one last look at yourself before you step outside, ask yourself; “who am I taking with me?” And let me ask you this, Are you the victim of your circumstances or the prevailer of your story?
I decided to forget myself these past few months. I set down my courage, my determination, and my focus to take on a lesser version of myself that I hoped I would never encounter. She liked to call herself a victim; she was weak, and at the mercy of her circumstances, and she was never good enough.
I compete in Spartan races. I used to run them, but this year my love for them turned into an obsession to make the podium. I am a trainer! I should be standing on that podium on a regular basis. So I trained really hard. And I made it a couple times, but as I stood there, a nagging feeling began to grow inside of me. It still wasn’t good enough. It’s not a gold.
And then finally. Finally! My last race of the season I did it! I finally won gold!! Checking out my results though, I had to prove my placement, as the timing chips were not properly connected to the racers’ bibs. Our award ceremony was cancelled, and we were sent home without our medals…until further notice. Well, it’s been three months and Spartan still has not apologized or recognized their athletes. I won gold, but never attained it. That’s when “still not good enough” began to sew into my inner thoughts. I finished my year feeling completely defeated and betrayed.
A month later, I find myself in the hospital with kidney stones. For those of you who have not had the privilege of experiencing these wonderful treats…let me give you some perspective. I have given birth to two babies in my life. Both being back labour pain…one I managed to make it through 18hours of contractions until finally giving into the epidural. The pain of a kidney stone being lodged into the tube leading out of your kidney and swelling up causing severe back pain is truly worse than labour, let me assure you. I could not endure another minute of it. The pain sent me rolling on the floor, twisting in agony and vomiting several times…all in the hospital waiting room for all to see. Not one of my finer moments in life…
The irony of encountering these stones is my diet. Apparently having too many dark leafy greens and combining that with beets increases your calcium intake. Everything in moderation, they say. Are you freakin’ kidding me? Move over broccoli and kale, and hand me those cookies! All of my years of research and experimenting with nutrition left me angry and confused. Still not frickin’ good enough.
A couple weeks after recovering from the kidney stones, then recovering from the heavy medication, I thought I was on my way to building back myself and my strength. Then my son came down with the flu. Then my daughter. Then myself. Then my husband.
It’s been over a month of inconsistency, emotional binge-eating, and inactivity. As I began each day the girl in the mirror would look back at me with such disappointment and disdain in her eyes. I tried to avoid looking at her, but I could feel her thoughts – and they were hurtful. And in that moment, I had a choice to make; do I reject this girl’s opinion of me, or do I take her with me?
Technique
There is a beautiful mechanical science into how one can run best. Looking forward; shoulders back and relaxed, arms bent at 90degrees and hands coming towards hips; allowing gravity to pull you forward, your elbows pushing back with each arm swing with your legs in rhythm, leading with the knees. Your stride should not be forceable pushing forward; but allow the force to dissipate behind you. In essence; The power is behind you.
I don’t run like that. I cross my legs in front of each other; one foot in front of the other. You can tell a lot about a runner by the way their arms move – as they tend to move in rhythm with your legs. My arms follow my legs and cross in front of my body as well. It is as if I am running with my core twisting and propelling me forward. I am essentially running into myself.
My running became the perfect metaphor of my current condition. I internalized all of my problems and traded my identity for a false one. I allowed myself to become a victim, and she sang loud and clear into my ears.
Now let me ask you, how is your technique? Are you shoulders open and relaxed? Are your eyes on the horizon and allowing your circumstances to proper you forward? Or are you internalizing your circumstances, holding everything in, and caving into yourself?
“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14
Energy
“I am not good enough.”
“I’m not fast enough.”
“I’m too heavy.”
“I’m too old.”
“I’m too busy.”
I have heard it all. All of these I have said to myself before and I have heard others say it to themselves as well. Why are we so mean to ourselves? Why are we setting ourselves up for failure before we even begin? We would not accept these remarks from a stranger, but we take these opinions of ourselves and wear it like a heavy noose around our neck. We are killing our potential and our spirit.
If we allow our perspective of ourselves to carry these labels with us, we will not succeed because we will not risk growth when we have already told ourselves we will fail.
I have met an incredibly strong, young woman a couple of weeks ago. When we first met, she informed me that she has registered for her first ever Spartan Trifecta for next year. For those of you new to the Spartan world; a Trifecta is three difference length obstacle course races completed in a year (and sometimes in a weekend!); a 5+km, 15+km, and a 23+km! It is quite an accomplishment. She is scared, as she recognizes the journey she must embark on; she wants to lose some weight, be able to pull herself over walls, and monkey bar efficiently; All of which she currently is working on. I love hearing her battle each week; “I am not strong enough to climb the rope…yet. I cannot get over this wall…yet. I am too heavy to monkeybar….but I will. But I will.” I have no doubt she will complete her trifecta next year, she is a force. She is not a victim to her current circumstances, nor is she discouraged by the journey ahead of her. She is a warrior, she is a Spartan. Today.
Not allowing yourself to be defeated gives you the focus and the energy to continue the battle. Looking at your refection in the mirror and refusing to put on the labels you see before you will infuse your spirit with confidence to continue the fight.
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed…Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-10, 16.
Stamina
Your past experiences will shape your perspective. If you have never run more than 5km; as you begin training to run further, your Subconscious is already thinking; “But we have never run more than 5km…” Subconscious will nudge your Body and whisper, “you haven’t run more than 5km before…”
And Body will go “Oh dear….that is correct…I have not….I don’t know if I am physically capable of running more than 5km…”
And then Subconscious will grimace and say “you are not physically capable of running more than 5km, if you were, you would have done it already. But as it were…you have not.”
Then doe-eyed Body will scratch its metaphoric chin and decide that after 5km it will be done. Girl will be fine with that.
Then Girl, you will run 4km and Subconscious becomes Conscious and will be tapping you on the shoulder saying “Girl…you only have 1km to go, because you are physically capable of 5km, and your tired. Listen to Body.”
Then Body will say, “I was prepared for 5km, I will be done in 1km. I am sure there is a tree with some shade in about 1km. We will rest and adjourn there.”
And now, Girl, you have a choice to make. Do you agree with Conscious and Body, or will you surprise both and show them you can go further?
And let me tell you a wonderful thing about your Body. It will listen to you and run further. And then Body will show Conscious what you are capable of. Then Conscious will whisper to Subconscious….
We are awesome!!!
“But those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.” Romans 8:5-7
Experience
So what do these Bible verses have to do with running?
Everything.
Here’s the kicker:
Who are you truly battling? Is it really as tangible as your own subconscious? Do you think your that insignificant that there isn’t a spiritual battle going on over your mind and your spirit? Who do you think truly wants you to fail? Do you truly think you mustered up all of your doubts and negativity all on your own?
Am I merely only talking about running?
You are not a victim to your circumstances. You are stronger than that, and if you do claim the Victim role in your life; you are missing out on the Warrior you were designed to be.
So better your experience. Pull back those shoulders, relax the tension in them and enjoy the run. Keep your eyes fixed on the horizon. Allow gravity to pull you forward as you allow your force to dissipate behind you. Run straight and clear; free in who you are.
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, not any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39